blizzard
by let's waste time chasing cars
Summary: He's not in love with this girl. This is the girl she became when she left, the one he found crying on the bathroom floor. -catbeck, because running she what she does.


**title:** blizzard

**words:** 1019

**warnings:** mentions of depression and suicide, please read with caution

* * *

Her hair is black now. It makes sense—the girl before him now is not the Cat he used to know. He's not in love with this girl. This is the girl she became when she left.

This girl is standing in front of the Empire State Building, a red scarf wrapped tightly around her neck, not noticing the way the snow is falling and tangling with her hair. Beck almost didn't recognize her. It's been four years and she's a new person, after all.

/

_Cat giggles, sticking her tongue out to catch a falling snowflake. Beck smiles at his girlfriend, and sticks his own tongue out, because she is right, you must take advantage of even the weather._

/

Cat's eyes widen, because he's standing there and he's looking over at her and, oh god, he knows. He reaches her in two long strides and she curses herself for not running.

"Beck," she breathes, because he's really here, and he followed her to New York and they've finally run into each other after four years of living in the same godforsaken city.

"What happened to you?" He's direct, just like he always was.

"Depressed," she mutters.

/

_He's the one to find her crying in the bathroom on the last day. She said she was sad, no particular reason, and it was dark and had no idea how to turn on the light. Everything was great, but she wasn't._

/

"I'm sorry," he tells her, because he doesn't really know what to say. "Now?"

"No," she says shortly, "not today. Confused."

"But you're so different," he says bluntly, stepping close to her.

"I grew up, Beck. It appears you haven't."

Beck swallows and puts his hands in the front pocket of his coat. "Then obviously you don't know me anymore."

And then he gets lost in the crowd and Cat goes to get a hot chocolate because she doesn't need the coffee to stay awake tonight.

/

_The first night, Cat curls up next to him when she's sure he's asleep. He isn't. He smiles and pulls her closer, and they fall asleep on his couch to the sound of each other's heartbeats._

/

Beck looks her up when he gets home—she's not acting, she's working as an agent for someone who _is_ acting. She has an office; it's a few blocks away from Broadway, so he walks there the next morning.

/

_The next morning, she just lays there, and so does he. They didn't sleep together, they slept _next to_ each other. Beck rolls over and smiles. She's still sleeping, her eyelids fluttering; she's dreaming about him. She tells him that later—before the _iloveyous.

/

"I'm here to see Cat," he tells the woman at the desk.

"It's—Catrina," comes the soft reply, before, even softer, "Oh. It's you."

Cat appears at the doorway behind him, cold air rushing in. She's wearing the same long black wool coat with a blue scarf this time. Her hair is down, and he can see the snow laced in her raven hair.

"Yeah," Beck returns, trailing off. "You left me," he says clearly, looking her in the eye.

Cat stares at him in a stunned silence, but she shouldn't be so surprised because he's Beck and he's direct, and he hasn't changed. "Come with me," she says, before walking through the door and flagging down a cab with record time.

/

_She's running ahead of him, laughing. Her mantra of _catchmeifyoucan _pounds into his skull with every step. She falls then, slipping on the ice underneath her feet. He runs faster, and he slides and he's flat on his butt in two seconds. She laughs harder, and he can't help but join her._

/

The first thing she does after she pushes her apartment door open is pour herself a glass of red wine. The second thing she does is kiss him hard on the mouth, once.

"I forgot what it felt like," she says, taking a sip.

Beck takes a swig from the bottle. "Damn."

/

_It happens in slow motion. He gets up from the fall and walks over to her, helps her up. Her eyes are swimming with something like laughter, and then he leans in to her and she almost smiles before she, too, leans in and captures his lips on hers. _

/

"I'm sorry I left," she says simply, and for some reason, that is enough. "I was scared. I wasn't… the girl you fell in love with. I'm still not."

Beck allows her to put her head on his chest, and it feels like it always did—safe. "I loved you, Cat. I…I still do. I get that people change. I grew up, you grew up—"

"You don't understand."

/

_His face crumples. She's right. How could he even begin to understand what Cat is going through (unless she lets him in)?_

/

"Then help me to understand," he says, pleading with his eyes.

She sighs, and spends the next half hour recounting the story of her brother's suicide when she was in senior year, and how Cat herself started slipping into periods of depression until they just blurred together and suddenly that was her life. She was already going to Julliard, and so she escaped to New York.

And Beck tells her that he followed her, keeping tabs on her from Columbia and waking up every day to the fact that they hadn't seen each other since she left.

/

_Every day is like waking up and the memories flood back to her, and she wishes she knew how to tell Beck what is happening to her._

/

"But…now…?"

She smiles sadly. "Depression doesn't go away, Beck. But it does get better. Meds and therapy," she laughs lightly, because she isn't ashamed anymore.

"I'm proud of you, Cat. But I do wish you told me."

Instead of an explanation, she says, "Me, too. Because maybe, we could have just stayed like this forever."

He hugs her closer and whispers, "Forever sounds amazing."

And she whispers, "I love you."

* * *

**notes:** please do not favorite without a review, and it would be appreciated if you reviewed anyway:)


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